To porn or not to porn. That is the question.
Now I’m not ashamed of what I’ve done in my past, specifically my adult film work. I knew who I was going into it, stayed in it for only10 months, and because I had the guidance and support of my ex-partner, Peter (Blake Harper), and my friend, Chi Chi LaRue, I easily walked away feeling like I got everything out of it I was going to get. I had moments that I enjoyed, I had moments where it was work, but all in all, I think I was able to keep it in perspective. That isn’t always easy to do.
Think about it. All of the sudden you’re thrust into the public eye, feeling validated and desired and put on a pedestal, just for the way you look. If you don’t know who you are, it can really fuck with your head. Just as in mainstream entertainment, but on a smaller level, celebrity and fame can become a drug that you need and want more and more of.
Now having been in the music business for 19 years when I started my foray into adult films, I had been thru it all. There was nothing that could be thrown my way that I felt I couldn’t handle. I also, at 39, knew myself pretty well, and had boundaries with what it was I was willing to do and what I wanted to avoid.
Of course I thought things through before I made the decision to have this adventure. Like I’m not going to run for public office, I don’t want to be a teacher, etc. There were things, however, that I didn’t anticipate only because I didn’t think about their potential. Like what if I end up with someone who hasn’t done porn, and that intimate part of myself, in terms of my physical self, I can never keep just for him.
I was with my current boyfriend, Angelo, at breakfast and some fans came up to interrupt our meal, kindly mind you, to let me know that they both just got off earlier to one of my videos. While I’m eating breakfast with my lover who doesn’t do porn and didn’t sign up for this? Oye! I felt bad, but there was nothing and is nothing I can do about it. Or about people approaching him to get to me, or to tell him about my penis, etc. That would annoy anyone after a while! Angelo, having been a successful model for 10 years, knows what it’s all about and is able to put it in it’s proper place, but it’s something that I can’t shield him from as much as I’d like to! Can be frustrating at times, but comes with the job.
You also have to realize that there will be people out there that won’t be able to look beyond it, won’t be able to see you as anything else, will use it to discredit you, as if you have no talent or ability for anything other then sucking cock and fucking. That you are some kind of freak or pervert or all around bad person. In terms of being credible and understood doing anything else, there is a contingency of people that just won’t be able to give it up!!
For me the experience never defined who I am. I don’t walk around thinking, “hey I’m a porn star!” I think of myself as an artist, musician, actor and performer, and a bit of a character. I’m a son, lover, friend and understanding reasonable person, but some won’t want to see that because of what they’ve attach to what I’ve done in adult films.
Anyone that asks me about getting into porn, I always say wait and really think it through. If you don’t truly know who you are, wait until you get a stronger sense of yourself before you explore this thought further. I also make them aware that the process and business of making porn isn’t the fantasy you may think it is. Most porn is made like a film, capturing certain angles, shots, and exchanges. It isn’t about you letting your body just flow sexually, because you have to be aware of cameras, angles and being as authentic in the moment as you can with people you usually just met moments before, so that the final result feels real and hot. Oh, and don’t think about cuming until it’s time for the cum shot! Now imagine doing this in front of a group of people who see this every day. It’s business as usual really. It’s all very detached and mechanical. And sometimes the process can take hours and even days.
I think we live in a society where people aspire for fame, but don’t really take a look at the costs that come with it. Slow down, take some time and think beyond the fantasy of what the experience could bring you, and take in all that you’ll have to sacrifice in the process.