Clutter Guyd David Pevsner answers your organization questions with a touch of anal.

Queer: I still have a million books, Kindle’s be damned, and want to make sure they don’t get destroyed. I was at my aunt’s house the other day and noticed she had all of hers in plastic wrap, but still on shelves. Is that tacky, like putting plastic on furniture, or a smart, preservative move?

All booked up? We're here to help.

Anal: Tacky? No. Insane…yeah. Are they all signed first editions of great novels by the literary geniuses of generations gone by? Chances are, no. And when you say “destroyed,” are you expecting earthquakes, fires, or torrential rains to knock the roof off your house and obliterate all you love in this world, particularly items of the written word?

That can happen, as we’ve seen of late, but relax and stop living your life expecting the worst. Having said that, be particular about where you put your books. If there are some books that you are so concerned about, then, yes, wrap them up in plastic (but not just any plastic; make sure it’s specifically for storing paper, like comic book bags), and put them in a safe, moisture-free environment. However, don’t you want to be able to look at those beauties, as well as the rest of your library? First, be tough and get rid of some of the books. A lot of the books. Purge. People have too many books. Keep the ones you really want to have around. I know you think they’re all important, but really, really consider losing some of them, giving them away, selling them at a yard sale. Most people have nowhere near the shelf space they need. Then, use your bookshelves judiciously and make your library a lovely, focal point.

Queer: My boyfriend never throws paper out—ever. Newspaper, bill envelopes, junk mail, old magazines, holiday cards. If I don’t gather them together every day and recycle, the place looks like a paper factory. Is there any smart way to get him to be more organized, or am I stuck living with Oscar Madison?

Anal: He does the cooking, you do the paper tossing. You can try to get him to do it, but I’ve found in my organizing gigs with couples that unless both of them have the same commitment to keeping things organized, things will go into Hoarder-ville if someone doesn’t take the reins. That’s you. Encourage him to help out, show him how easy it is to do, put the recycler in a most convenient place, whatever you need to do to get him to participate. If it doesn’t work, you can do the aforementioned drawing of the line and threaten to leave if he doesn’t change. But is it worth that? I’ve also found that when you show someone how good something looks clutter- and paper-free, it can be very eye-opening. Get it started, and see how he reacts.

Dude, where's my life?

Queer: Stupid question, but is white always the smartest way to go in a small apartment? I’m in New York, and it seems like a staple. At the same time, it makes me feel like I’m not creative or living in a hospital. Suggestions?

Anal: White certainly helps give the impression of space, and if that’s what you’re handed, put your creativity in design. You can warm up a cold white space with homey pillows and throws, rustic furniture, area rugs…there are no limits. White can be clinical, but it can also be a perfect backdrop for funky or contemporary chic that will really bring attention to your taste in furniture and accessories. I love white walls as a clean, blank canvas to work my creativity.  Don’t be afraid of it.

David Pevsner answers your organizational questions without encouraging you to refinance your home. If you have a question for David, email him at davidpevsner@me.com.

Clutter Guyd: Paint It, Black?

Sex Guyd David Pevsner answers your sex questions with a touch of anal.

Queer: My boyfriend of six months wants to either start having sex with other men, or have three-ways. He doesn’t believe monogamy is practical, and he says if he tells me about having sex, or if we have it together, it won’t be cheating. I don’t know how I feel about monogamy in the long run, but right now the thought of my boyfriend with another guy is unbearable. I’m afraid if I say no, he’ll do it behind my back and end up hurting me more. Any suggestions?

Part of the problem or the solution?

Anal:You’re at that weird six months moment where it’s serious enough that you can call yourself boyfriends but you’re not necessarily at the partner/hubby level. Y’all need to talk about the future, and it seems like you may want different things in the long run.   If you say no…yes…chances are he will do it behind your back. Have you talked about how you feel? It’s possible that if he knew it would upset you, you may be the guy who puts the brakes on your sleep-around man. On the other hand, monogamy isn’t for everyone, and it’s possible that you may never tie this guy down. Keep the lines of communication open, and only make an ultimatum if you absolutely must have “It’s me or them.” Just don’t be surprised if he says “Them.” And if he does, you were as mismatched a pair as Liza and David.

Queer: The guy I’m dating is hot and sexy and amazing in bed. But he won’t kiss me. The first time we slept together he said he had bad breath, and now he just turns away. I miss kissing him, and I also feel ugly—like I’m good enough for penetration but not love-making. I’ve told him how I feel, and he just shrugs it off and says he just hasn’t felt like kissing me. Is this a dealbreaker down the road?

Anal: No. It’s a deal-breaker now. Kiss him goodbye.

Queer: I’m dating a guy who shaves off all of his chest hair. It makes him look hot, but it pricks my skin when he’s on top of me. He’s a dancer at a club, and says the look is popular, and has even apologized for any discomfort. That said, when we start going at it, I get rug burn. I don’t know if I should just give up and stop rubbing against him, or demand he let it grow. Any ideas?

Anal: “I demand you let it grow!” A perfect way to lose the guy in six  deliberate words. What is with you queens making the lines in the sand? How about asking? How about letting him know that it’s gone beyond just “Ouch!” into “Holy Fucking Mother of God, that burns!” If it hurts that much and he sees you’re in pain and won’t offer to shave more often and keep it smooth as a stripper’s pubes (or grow it back so he can be that one out of ten hot-hot-hot hot dancers who keeps himself hairy and turns on guys like me and zillions of others), if he’s not willing to do something on his own…he’s a douche. Yes it’s his work, and yes, he has to appeal to the boys, but if he’s not willing to adjust, either suck it up and learn to enjoy the burn like Jane Fonda (along with the tit torture and CBT), or move on.

If you have a sex question for David, email him at davidpevsner@me.com.

Sex Guyd: The Kiss-Off

Sex Guyd David Pevsner answers your sex questions with a touch of anal.

Queer: I love to suck cock, but I hate to get sucked. I don’t know if that’s normal, but it turns a lot of guys off. Should I smile and take it or admit that it’s a turn-off?

Anal: If it’s a first time beau or trick, smile and take it … rather, let him take it, and you may find the guy who gives you the BJ you never dreamed possible. Perhaps you’ve just never been with someone who really knows how to give it. If it still doesn’t work for you, and it’s a trick, move onto other things like pleasuring him or letting him put that mouth to work other places. It’s all a dance anyway when you first fuck around with someone new.  However, if this is someone who you think might be a repeater, either for FB status or relationshipiness, then you have every right to say something; just don’t do it while it’s happening. If you’re at a point where you actually say hello to each other before the naked fun, let him know it’s not your favorite thing and that it has nothing to do with his technique. There are only a gazillion other means of deliciousness to pleasure each other.  And if he not being able to blow you becomes a huge issue, perhaps this problem isn’t just about the BJ.

Queer: Other than tons of lube, is there a good way to relax my ass before I bottom? I love the final result but for the first few minutes I feel like I’m giving birth.

Anal: Training, training, training. Don’t wait for that big hard pole of humanity, especially if it’s a sporadic event. In between, make use of dildos and butt plugs and anything else that will help stretch you out and get you used to opening up sooner.  Another great way to get relaxed is to spend time opening yourself up, finger by finger, while he watches. Yes, Mr. Porn Star, put on a show. Generously lube ‘em up and put one finger, then two, then three, put the whole goddamned hand inside if you can while you look him straight in the eyes. Then, when you’re good and ready, let him take over, and you’ll be open (literally and figuratively) for whatever the now wide-eyed, drooling, rock-hard fucker wants to give you. Finally…enjoy it!

Queer: When’s the best time to ask a guy if he’s HIV-Positive? On the first date? When we’re kissing? When we start to actually have sex? I want to make sure I ask the question in a socially responsible way.

Anal: That is certainly a touchy subject, and it all depends on what that info does to you. Gotta be real here, and this answer will not thrill all of you readers, but it’s based on conversations I’ve had with men over the years. Ideally, it’s not an issue between you if you are one neg and one poz, and it just becomes information. In which case, ask any time you want and let him know if he is poz, it’s not an issue with you as long as you’re safe. If it is something that might affect you and how you interact with him, and you’re just going to be a nervous Nelly throughout, perhaps you need to beg off before any nakedness ensues, and ask his status before you decide to leave the bar or get offline. If it’s going to be uncomfortable for you, it’s certainly going to be uncomfortable for him and even maybe a bit offensive.

And, by the way, just because someone says they’re negative doesn’t mean they are. Besides not knowing when they were tested, they just might not want to share their status in an honest way. It’s up to you to protect yourself, and as far as I’m concerned, just always have safe sex. I personally don’t get this need to bareback: I’ve had more than one supposed safe-sex acolyte try to push it inside me ungloved, and it makes me want to deck him. Try to at least be specific about what particular hanky-panky will give you pause, make your boundaries, and stick to them. Base them on what you know you will feel like after you’ve shot, he’s left, and you’re alone with yourself to either bask in the joy of what just ensued or stay up all night wondering what the hell you did.

If you have a sex question for David, email him at davidpevsner@me.com.

Sex Guyd: It Blows

David Pevsner Answers Your Clutter Q&A’s (Queer and Anals).

Queer: Call me antiquated, but I still own CD’s and (brace yourself) vinyl albums. The albums have become collector’s items, and I can’t help but wonder if the CD’s will too. How do I store them without looking like a complete, out-of-touch idiot?

Are you dating yourself?

Anal:I find it charming when I walk into a friend’s house and they have vinyl albums neatly placed on shelves…they’re like antiques. I don’t find it charming when the house is an overstuffed, unorganized dive and the albums and CD’s are just one more collection that takes up space they don’t have.

If you really think that any of the discs will bring you that future financial security, here’s what you can do: First, research what you have and do a reality check as to which are actually worth something and which are just dollar signs in your head. If the CD’s are worth something and you actually listen to them, shelve them. If you just want to keep the CD’s that are worth zip to actually listen to, get the black folders with pockets that allow you to keep hundreds of CD’s without taking up half your home-storage space. If you want to keep the worthwhile ones but you don’t listen to them, box ‘em. Store them safely, and put it on a high shelf in a closet that is not prime storage real estate. Then, when your house is being foreclosed on, sell them on Ebay or check with an auction house and make those bucks.

Queer: I’m not a green thumb, but I do love the look of plants in my apartment. However, wherever I put them they look out of place. If I put them in the window sill they make the room look cluttered. Is there a surefire way to make plants, large and small, look classy, not trashy?

Anal: No. I hate plants. I say put ‘em outside in the garden, give them away, or let ‘em die and throw ‘em out.  Boom.

Queer: I don’t like rugs; never have. My condo requires them to cover 80 percent of the space, however, so I need to get them. I’m tired of Oriental Rugs and I can’t afford them anyway. Any ideas on how to make cool, cheap rugs look stylish?

Anal: Sometimes when you turn a rug over, the negative design is more intriguing than the intended one. You can do that and have a new border put around it for cheap. A great, inexpensive floor covering is carpet squares. Let your imagination run wild, using all solids, all prints, or mix them to express your creativity, but don’t let it veer into crazy and taste-questioning. Home-improvement and carpet stores sell them. Just check if they can go directly on the floor or if you’ll need an under-rug lining.

Queer: Is there an effective way to dust that doesn’t require me to pull off everything from every shelf? Or a smarter way to arrange shelves so dusting is easier?

Anal: You can use those dusting whozits that allow you to dust between items (Swiffer even makes a throw-away version). However, the best way to control the problem is to really watch what you put on the shelf. I’m not a fan of tschochkes. I see way too much crap on clients’ shelves that make the entire overwrought space look like Bauby’s Resale Shop. Shelves don’t have to be stuffed with every damn souvenir and antique you’ve ever collected. Be judicious on how you put things up and there will be less to dust around. Also, the space around the bauble is just as important as if it was being framed. Let there be air. And use a combination of books and important pieces to really style the shelves … don’t just throw everything up there willy-nilly, Silly.

David Pevsner answers your organizational questions without encouraging you to refinance your home. If you have a question for David, email him at davidpevsner@me.com.

Clutter Guyd: Planter’s Punch

Our Sex Guyd David Pevsner answers your queer questions with a touch of anal.

Queer: I’ve never douched, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to go about it. Yes, I’ve bought condoms, but the thought of walking into a drug store and asking for a douche terrifies me. Is it really necessary or can I just make sure I eat right and shower thoroughly? I just met a guy, he’s a top, and he kind of hinted that I should start. I didn’t want to ask him about it, cause I thought he would think I was, oh, un-clean or something. And even though I’ve never had any problems down there, I want to be a great bottom.

Anal: Don’t be a douche….douche. Picture it, he’s inside, you’re both feeling it, loving the moment…and then that familiar smell begins to permeate the room. Sorry, Bud. It’s done. Get over the embarrassment of buying an enema. Get to know what part of the store they sell them in. look for a sign that says “laxatives”; that sometimes works. And if you happen to run into your ex and he sees that Fleet enema (or store brand…cheaper and perfectly fine), feel pride in knowing that at least you’re gettin’ some.

Queer: What’s the best way to get fucked? I want all the experiences.

Anal: There is no best way. There’s only what feels best for you. It depends on a lot of things…size and shape of his cock, how experienced you are, your tolerance for the pain/pleasure factor, whatever. Have all the experiences. Do it every which way you can with each and every man who’s lucky enough to get inside you. You’ll know what works best for you. And when you find the guy(s) that fit(s) every which way, take it all, bitch. And have a literal ball.

Queer: I often use old T-shirts for cum towels, and the stains don’t come out. I’m not taking them to the cleaners. I’d die of embarrassment. Do you know if any material is easier for getting out cum, or should I just hand bleach everything?

Anal: I have to say, that’s a new one for me. I keep a pile of inexpensive washcloths (2 bucks each at Kmart) in the night table drawer and throw the used ones in the laundry with the rest of my stuff. I’ve not had an issue with stains, but if you do, get white cloths, wash ‘em in hot with your tighty-whities, and you shouldn’t have an issue. Hand bleach? Sorry, I know I’m the Anal Guyd, but that’s even too anal for me. Relax, guy: Stick with white and don’t get glum about the cum.

If you have a sex question for David, email him at davidpevsner@me.com.

Sex Guyd: Douche Bags and Top Towels

Clutter Guyd David Pevsner answers your Q&A’s (Queer and Anals).

Your home is a cabaret, ol chum. I'll come by and clean it up!

Queer:Wires are ugly, as everyone knows, and I have a zillion next to my computer. I tried sticking a potted plant in front of them, but now my living room looks like a jungle with a bunch of snakes crawling around. Is there a cheap way to hide wires or incorporate them into the “look” of my home?

Anal: Gather around, I got a story to tell … hmm, most youngsters won’t get the Liza reference. Okay, the only word in that sentence that matters is “gather.” There are lots of great tubular items that you can snake cords through together that look great. You can also group your electronics closer to one another rather than spread them out, so they don’t look so random. My favorite mode of hiding wires is with art or mirrors. I have a client who has a gazillion wires hanging off the back of her very long desk unit, and it looked like she had a den of snakes at her feet. We found a long mirror in one of her closets that she wasn’t using, we turned it horizontally and put it on the floor in front of all the wires … looked so fantastic and we didn’t spend a penny, and it still provided easy access to  the outlets the cords were all plugged into. You can do the same thing on top of the desk by leaning a great illustration against the wall as the “backsplash” of your desk to cover the cords. If you have a freestanding desk that faces out, either do the gather thing or lean a big ol’ fun piece of art or a framed poster in front on the floor to cover those cords.

Q: I hate my bathroom set-up, nothing really matches, and I’m always embarrassed when guests go in there. Is there a way to make the stuff on the countertop attractive without buying a whole generic unit that they sell in fancy stores?

A:  Matchy-Matchy anything is not what you want. What’s great about organizing folks is that I get them to look at things they own in different ways. That candy dish that you love but sits in the back of the closet can be the soap dish. The souvenir mug from Tuscany can hold your toothbrush. The hand towel that you stole from the Beverly Garland Holiday Inn … well, no, leave that in the drawer. But you get my point. Look for diverse items that you love but never use that have colors and textures in them that incorporate into your bathroom setting. Don’t go for plastic or cheap … the aforementioned mug shouldn’t be from the airport in Tuscany. You’ll be amazed at how fantastic all of your environments can look by taking a fresh eye to stuff you already own.

Q: I hit the stores this week looking for a new TV stand, and everything is geared for a Plasma TV. I still use my old television and have no intention of replacing it until it breaks down. I’ve checked catalogs like Crate and Barrel, and anything remotely interesting costs about a zillion bucks. Any ideas?

A:  I’m a fan of hitting the garage and seeing if there’s a table or dresser hiding in the back and covered with junk that might be the perfect solution, especially if there’s a storage element such as drawers or shelves. Even an old bench can be useful and chic; slap a little paint on it and boom—done. Just make sure it’s sturdy enough to hold that Titanic of a TV and it’s not made of plastic or college-y cinder blocks. My very old and still hearty Panasonic sits on my dresser in my bedroom, but all wires and other technology are hidden so that the room still looks more Love Shack than Radio Shack.  Don’t surround it with a lot of junk. There can be a charm to being old school, but you don’t have to be tacky as well. Yes, there will be boys who will judge you on still living in the 1990s, but fuck ‘em….literally, and then if it’s an issue, let him buy you a new HD with a 50- inch screen.  Ah, romance in the digital age.

Does this picture make you want to do me? If so, step inside.

Sextra!Dear David, I’m in pretty hot shape and a popular photographer in L.A. has taken a bunch of nude shots of me. I’m very proud of them and have them framed and in my hallway. Some of my friends think it’s tacky and will discourage men from wanting to date me—I guess they’ll think I’m a slut. Should I hide them, or should I say “Fuck it!” this is who I am?

David: Look, a pretty picture is a pretty picture. If there’s a shot or two that you think are great photos and make you proud, go for it. Just because someone poses nude doesn’t mean they’re slutty. And if the pics are cool and the photog does nice work, good on you. The key words though are “a shot or two.” If you have a whole gallery devoted to the beauty that is you … no. One or two shots say pride and pretty. More than that says narcissistic and probably only into himself, which does not bode well as a bf or even a trick. Also depends on the kind of shots they are … if they’re artier, with a real point of view; lovely and wall-worthy. If they’re you grabbing your hard cock and staring at the camera with a glazed look that says “Hey look at me! Raging Stallion, here I come!”—Not so much. I’m sure they’re hot and you look great, but save it for Manhunt or your portfolio.  But send them to me, just to be sure.

Clutter Guyd David Pevsner answers your organizational questions (and give sex tips) without encouraging you to refinance your home. If you have a question for David, email him at davidpevsner@me.com.

Clutter Guyd: The Naked and the Bed

Clutter Guyd Queer and A

Q: I’ve never understood the phenomenon, but, for whatever reason, my remotes get lost on a daily basis. How do you keep them near you without losing them amid sheets and blankets and everything else near the TV? 

Don’t know what to do with this? Read on for slip tips.

CG: First off, I’m not a “toys” guy…at least when it comes to electronics. I was house sitting for a friend who had a plethora of remotes, and all I wanted to do was turn on the TV to watch the damn Housewives (NY). I pushed one wrong button and there was snow for the rest of my stay. I digress.  Here’s the thing: The rules for most organizing issues are the same here … a place for everything. Just like you would put the milk back in the fridge, put your remotes back in the same place. You could buy a storage unit specifically for remotes that you either keep on the coffee table or hang off your comfy chair, but the cheapest solution is to use the drawer of the side table next to the couch or find a basket or decorative vessel that you’ve never used that can become the home to the remotes. Staying organized is an ongoing process, and taking that extra simple step to put something back in its place pays off in the “There it is!” department and not the “Where the fuck is it?” category. 

Anal Extra: I sometimes look at the remotes on coffee tables at friends’ houses and play a guessing game as to what the gross and greasy residue is. Guys, take a Clorox wipe to your remotes every so often, especially if you’re not the only one using them. 

My bills and important paperwork always end up scattered all over my apartment. Where’s the best place to put them so they are easy to access, but friends don’t know how much I ran up my Am-Ex bill? 

CG: I’m always amazed that my clients have 10 places where they drop mail, pay bills, write thank-you notes, etc…the foyer, the office, the kitchen table, on top of the piano, next to the computer in the bedroom, in the night table drawer. Choose one place that is the most comfortable for dealing with paperwork and do it there. Get in the habit. Bring all your mail to that one spot, do a quick sort to pull out the bills and the personal correspondence, grab the new issue of Martha Stewart and the CB2 Catalogue, and throw the rest of the crap away immediately. You’ll never wonder where that bill or receipt is because it will always be in that one space. If it’s the desk in your office, great. If you like doing it at the kitchen table, not as great, but if you enjoy that…make sure you can take all of that paperwork and store it close by. Set up an office-ette in a drawer or cabinet so you can put it all away and not have your table look like who-did-it-and-ran 24 hours a day. And then the casual guest over for coffee won’t happen to glance at that $1,000 CamWithHim.com charge on your Am-Ex bill when you still owe him a hundred bucks. 

Anal Extra: If you have an over-abundance of shredding to do and the 12 bags are taking up a corner of your office, don’t look at the big picture; you’ll never do it. Grab one bag, and while you’re watching The Housewives (any city) or some other non-brain-challenging program, do a little at a time. Before you know it, done. Then, shred as you go. 

I went on a first date a couple of weeks ago, and when the guy invited me to his apartment after, there was a bottle of lube next to his bed. The place was immaculate, but it looked like his sexual calling card. Is there an appropriate place to put sex-essentials so that your home doesn’t look like a brothel? 

Get the half-eaten protein bar, hair brush, electric bill, key to your storage unit, pile of photos from the Atlantis Cruise, etc, out of your night table drawer and put only what you use in bed in that drawer. Boom: Your wayward lube has a home next to the condoms and Listerine strips. Some folks don’t like to have a drawer next to the bed, opting for just a single surface on which to put their phone, the remote, reading material, earplugs, and on and on and on.  My point being, if you don’t have one already, get a unit for next to the bed that has some kind of storage and use it judiciously. If you don’t want to spend the cash, get a basket or wooden box that fits under the bed and put the accoutrements in there and tuck it away. Then, when that future ex-husband snoops around the apartment, you won’t have to worry that he’ll think you’re a slut…well, who are we kidding…but at least your bedroom will look tasteful and uncluttered. 

Anal Extra:  I’ve noticed with clients that night table surfaces are often overlooked in the housecleaning process.  If you’re having a guest over for naked fun, it can be a bit of a boner killer when there’s a ring of lube next to a coffee stain next to dried candle wax. Yes, we can see it.  And…eeww! Clean it up. 

Clutter Guyd David Pevsner answers your organizational questions without encouraging you to refinance your home. If you have a question for David, email him at davidpevsner@me.com.

Clutter Guyd: Space Place