Clutter Guyd David Pevsner answers your Q&A’s (Queer and Anals).

Your home is a cabaret, ol chum. I’ll come by and clean it up!

Queer:Wires are ugly, as everyone knows, and I have a zillion next to my computer. I tried sticking a potted plant in front of them, but now my living room looks like a jungle with a bunch of snakes crawling around. Is there a cheap way to hide wires or incorporate them into the “look” of my home?

Anal: Gather around, I got a story to tell … hmm, most youngsters won’t get the Liza reference. Okay, the only word in that sentence that matters is “gather.” There are lots of great tubular items that you can snake cords through together that look great. You can also group your electronics closer to one another rather than spread them out, so they don’t look so random. My favorite mode of hiding wires is with art or mirrors. I have a client who has a gazillion wires hanging off the back of her very long desk unit, and it looked like she had a den of snakes at her feet. We found a long mirror in one of her closets that she wasn’t using, we turned it horizontally and put it on the floor in front of all the wires … looked so fantastic and we didn’t spend a penny, and it still provided easy access to  the outlets the cords were all plugged into. You can do the same thing on top of the desk by leaning a great illustration against the wall as the “backsplash” of your desk to cover the cords. If you have a freestanding desk that faces out, either do the gather thing or lean a big ol’ fun piece of art or a framed poster in front on the floor to cover those cords.

Q: I hate my bathroom set-up, nothing really matches, and I’m always embarrassed when guests go in there. Is there a way to make the stuff on the countertop attractive without buying a whole generic unit that they sell in fancy stores?

A:  Matchy-Matchy anything is not what you want. What’s great about organizing folks is that I get them to look at things they own in different ways. That candy dish that you love but sits in the back of the closet can be the soap dish. The souvenir mug from Tuscany can hold your toothbrush. The hand towel that you stole from the Beverly Garland Holiday Inn … well, no, leave that in the drawer. But you get my point. Look for diverse items that you love but never use that have colors and textures in them that incorporate into your bathroom setting. Don’t go for plastic or cheap … the aforementioned mug shouldn’t be from the airport in Tuscany. You’ll be amazed at how fantastic all of your environments can look by taking a fresh eye to stuff you already own.

Q: I hit the stores this week looking for a new TV stand, and everything is geared for a Plasma TV. I still use my old television and have no intention of replacing it until it breaks down. I’ve checked catalogs like Crate and Barrel, and anything remotely interesting costs about a zillion bucks. Any ideas?

A:  I’m a fan of hitting the garage and seeing if there’s a table or dresser hiding in the back and covered with junk that might be the perfect solution, especially if there’s a storage element such as drawers or shelves. Even an old bench can be useful and chic; slap a little paint on it and boom—done. Just make sure it’s sturdy enough to hold that Titanic of a TV and it’s not made of plastic or college-y cinder blocks. My very old and still hearty Panasonic sits on my dresser in my bedroom, but all wires and other technology are hidden so that the room still looks more Love Shack than Radio Shack.  Don’t surround it with a lot of junk. There can be a charm to being old school, but you don’t have to be tacky as well. Yes, there will be boys who will judge you on still living in the 1990s, but fuck ‘em….literally, and then if it’s an issue, let him buy you a new HD with a 50- inch screen.  Ah, romance in the digital age.

Does this picture make you want to do me? If so, step inside.

Sextra!Dear David, I’m in pretty hot shape and a popular photographer in L.A. has taken a bunch of nude shots of me. I’m very proud of them and have them framed and in my hallway. Some of my friends think it’s tacky and will discourage men from wanting to date me—I guess they’ll think I’m a slut. Should I hide them, or should I say “Fuck it!” this is who I am?

David: Look, a pretty picture is a pretty picture. If there’s a shot or two that you think are great photos and make you proud, go for it. Just because someone poses nude doesn’t mean they’re slutty. And if the pics are cool and the photog does nice work, good on you. The key words though are “a shot or two.” If you have a whole gallery devoted to the beauty that is you … no. One or two shots say pride and pretty. More than that says narcissistic and probably only into himself, which does not bode well as a bf or even a trick. Also depends on the kind of shots they are … if they’re artier, with a real point of view; lovely and wall-worthy. If they’re you grabbing your hard cock and staring at the camera with a glazed look that says “Hey look at me! Raging Stallion, here I come!”—Not so much. I’m sure they’re hot and you look great, but save it for Manhunt or your portfolio.  But send them to me, just to be sure.

Clutter Guyd David Pevsner answers your organizational questions (and give sex tips) without encouraging you to refinance your home. If you have a question for David, email him at davidpevsner@me.com.