PPam Ann doesn’t mince words when it comes to air travel, or anything under her friendly skies sun. On the sensitive subject of what she likes to be called—stewardess or flight attendant—she’s chosen her own preferred, Pam Ann-correct label.
“I like to be called ‘Whore,’” she says, faster than you unbuckle your seat belt and hope for an oxygen tank.
You’ve just boarded Pam Ann, Australia’s wickedly delicious “drag queen, trannie, man; I get confused,” who’s bringing her new show, Cockpit, to XL beginning this Friday, May 25. Expect a bumpy ride.
“I’m putting in lots of news clips, the JetBlue captain; I’m talking about a lot of meltdowns,” says Pam on some of what you’ll witness. “A lot of people think I make up this shit, so at the end of the show I’m showing actual news clips of the stuff I’m talking about.”
Pam says the worst thing about air travel today is coach, but that’s not her concern. “I don’t go down the back; I’m first class all the way.” While she’s worked with Cher and Elton John, and has been described by Madonna as “cruelly funny,” her choice for which one of the divas she’d bump up to first class is simple.
“Cher. I’d like to get a hold of her wigs. And she’s a bit wicked.” Pam adds that when she toured with Cher in 2004, “I had two ‘cocks’ in my script. People usually try to dumb me down. She said I could have one ‘cock.’ Go girls!”
As for Elton and Madge, “They need to be humbled. Madonna has to lip-synch a song to Elton in coach. That’s their punishment.”
Pan Am, the now-defunct TV show, is also part of the act, albeit in Pam’s admittedly filthy style. “I’ve ripped it apart and it’s fantastic,” says Pam. “Had they done it my way, the show might still be on the air.”
Style rules Pam Ann’s runway, and the absense of airlines finesse is not lost on her. “The glamour, to me, remains with the old girls on American Airlines,” she says. “You can tell the old crew from the new crew. I love the old girls who need the trolley to get through the train. Okay, they might have gotten bitter over the years, but they still have that sparkle in their eyes. You can smell the spices from Marrakesh on their outfits.”
Delta, she also tells me, drafts former Pan Am girls, and “those bitches know their shit. On a recent flight, “They were serving me Champagne while we were still taxing. On Virgin Atlantic they would have ripped my mobile out of my face and served me straw.”
Pam’s show coincides with Fleet Week, which means lots of extra improvisation and the bonus of her dating a U.S. Marine. “Those fucking marines love a big booty,” she says, before giving fans an extra incentive to check out her show … the other audience members. “A lot of guys come to see me just so they can get cock. Just look around the room.”
That’s the best layover plan I’ve heard in ages.
Pam Ann: Cockpit lands into Terminal XL for four flights only: Friday May 25th, Saturday, May 26th, Friday, June 1st and Saturday, June 2nd. Tickets available at www.xlnightclub.com/cabaret.