Movie Guyd: Will “The Immortals” Live Forever?

Jay Catterson
Authored by
Jay Catterson

November 12, 2011
3:18 a.m.

So what do you get when you combine action-packed 3D battle sequences with a hot, up-and-coming Brit movie star?

 

Immortals, the big-budget action-fest that’s loosely (and I mean loosely) based on Greek mythology, and directed by Tarsem Singh (The Fall, The Cell). I wish I could add “good” to this description, but this latest popcorn flick falls flat. Read on to find out why!

 

The Gay: Now all you Tudors fans know British actor Henry Cavill, and boy is he SMOLDERING hot in this film. As Theseus, it’s hard to ignore his chiseled features and stunning good looks, and the filmmakers spare no expense in showing off his bare chest and rippling biceps.

As with many Greek mythology-inspired flicks, there are homoerotic undertones, and the band of hunky warriors that Theseus leads provide several morsels of eye candy (we could’ve used more!). Heck, even Stephen Dorff is looking kinda hunky after all these years. The male gods of Olympus that look down on all the action from Above are also scantily clad, dressed only in gold lamé booty shorts, capes, and over-the-top headpieces! Ferosh! Heck, I was expecting Kylie Minogue to come out and bust into a full-on production number with these gilden go-go god boys providing some booty-shaking action! And speaking of fashion, actress Freida Pinto (Slumdog Millionaire) as the oracle Phaedra looks so glam wearing those exquisite red gowns.

The Bad: Ugh, where to start. The pacing is slow, and the plot is paper thin. The acting by most of the cast was passable but uninspired. Mickey Rourke, as the tyrant King Hyperion, is just given a generic badass role here. We all know Mickey can play a prick, but at least give him a better screenplay to work with. And the way they set up a potential Immortals sequel was sloppy and cheap. Groans all around.

The Fugly: I guess we could blame 300 for setting the “new visual standard” for Greek-themed action flicks, but the colours in Immortals were often gray and muted, and could have used a little bit of brightening up. Tarsem’s The Cell and The Fall had gorgeous scenes where the colour palette popped, but the same visuals were severely lacking in Immortals. Even the 3D was underwhelming. Did I mention those over-the-top headpieces the gods of Olympus wore? Yup, a lot of fugly going on here.

Get to the Greek?: Is it worth the trip down Greek God memory lane? Only for Cavill’s hunky looks and some gripping action sequences. If you do decide to see it, spare yourself some bucks and see the 2D version. But I’d skip it entirely and buy yourself a cheeseburger… it has just as much beef, cheese, and empty calories, but at least you won’t be hungry afterward. angry

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