Eurovision is here tonight, and if you’ve never heard of it, missed it, are missing it, or just can’t be bothered, we’ve saved you the trouble. Here’s our analysis of this year’s contenders. Open the video in a new window and see if you think our one liners and sometimes savage quips are fair or not as you go through. We didn’t do them all, just the ‘best.’ And worst.
Armenia: James Blunt meets U2 meets C&A, with ‘Who can stop it?’
Azerbaijan: Once you get over the shock of the eyebrows, he reminds me a bit of Enrique Iglesias fallen on hard times. Next stop? The Job Centre.
Belarus: I’m guessing her backing track has got stuck and she’s ad-libbing. It has the feel of a futuristic (failed) production of the Lion King.
Belgium: “Love kills over and over,” is the main lyric. Catchier than previous Belgian entries, but a bit disturbing as the girls both look like they’ve been taken hostage.
Bulgaria: Horrific tune, but very impressive how she manages to change outfits so quickly. Maybe the magician with the magic bagpipe helps.
Cyprus: A rather nice song about trying to find your lost iPhone after a picnic.
Denmark: Good combination of a natural beauty with a natural voice and hot drummer boys in uniform. Let’s just hope Helen Mirren isn’t sitting near-by.
Estonia: Cheryl Cole’s poor relation in a nighty, sings about her dismay that Girl’s Aloud have split up.
Finland: WOW. Krista Siegfrids, you rock! ‘Marry Me’ is the name of the song, and I sure would, you sexy blonde Katy Perry/Pixie Lott of the East. Pop bliss.
France: Not bad at all, nice beat, great vocal range. But she looks like she’s mixed up her medication, bless her.
FYRM: I’m sorry but I have no words for this. If that woman ever escapes, then God help us all.
Germany: If last year’s winner hadn’t been ‘Euphoria,’ this reasonable offering from the rather good Cascada would have probably had a good chance. But ‘Glorious’ sounds too similar, but without the punchy angst, darkness and catchy “Up, Up, Up” chorus. Sorry babes.
Greece: ‘Alcohol is free.’ Is it really? To be honest this collection of hot hairy handsome Greeks can sing about whatever they like. If they’re extremely drunk on this free alcohol, then all the better for my chances. Strangely catchy.
Iceland: A song of hope. Even if you’ve cut your finger, everything will be all right in the end.
Ireland: Nice one Ryan Dolan! ‘Only Love Survives’ is catchy, dancey and vibrant, with a strong vocal. And thank God it’s not Jedward again.
Israel: Her hand gestures are clear. ”Shut up backing singers! This is MY moment, I’ll be back to work in the library on Monday.”
Italy: Great hair and great piano skills. But he could have put some sheets on the bed.
Lithuania: The Lithuanian entry was sick, so this drunk man from the audience jumped on stage to fill the gap. You’d think.
Malta: If One Direction and The Muppets had a family, this would be it. Up-beat, happy, guitary song, that probably won’t do as well as it should.
Moldova: Cinderella and the dancing scarecrow. A popular Moldovan children’s tale, and now a pop song. How lovely.
Montenegro: Music video inspired by a night out in Swansea.
Norway: Margaret Berger’s ‘I Feed You My Love,’ stands out as a winner. She’s got the looks, the stage presence and an awesome vocal with a dark yet sexy electro/techno/rock backing. 12 points from me!
Romania: I’m not sure what went wrong here, but it’s scarier than the woman from FYRM. Are they dancers or just trying to escape from the alien’s sonic range? Who can tell.
Russia: A likeable song from a likeable young lady, but likeable doesn’t usually score big. Sorry babes.
San Marino: What a time to have a power cut! Bad luck babes.
Serbia: An interesting entry, if only because it looks like they hate each other and might violently lash out at any moment. Fingers crossed.
Slovenia: Nicely done Hannah. A pleasant, dancey number that will no doubt be played in gay clubs from Warsaw to Tbilisi for years to come, regardless of how well she does tonight.
Spain: A strong rocky number from Spain, with a lovely horse. But has Carol Vorderman changed her name and had work done?
Sweden: ‘Because of You’ (Or, Because of You-oo-oo-oh-ah-ah). Catchy, strong and annoying at the same time. Sung by a friendly-faced, chunkier relation of Justin Bieber.
Switzerland: Totty-watch! And I don’t mean the old man who morphs into a young girl. Oh it’s all happening in Switzerland!
The Netherlands: Beautiful, natural, haunting vocal from Anouk, with ‘Birds.’ Perhaps the strongest entry from the Dutch in living memory.
United Kingdom: Bonnie Tyler. I love her to bits, I really do, but she hasn’t got the range. She’s big in Europe though, they say. So was Engleburt Humpydink. Sorry Bonnie lurv, I’m not gonna lie, but I don’t believe in your song ‘Believe in Me.’ Cracking hair though babes.