With everyone still discussing the “big” news of Adam Levine being crowned the Sexiest Man Alive title, I had to give pause – which is something I only usually do when I’m getting up for water while watching Styled to Rock on my PVR.
I couldn’t believe that in our day and age where men are wearing less, and looking better and better, we settled with Adam Levine as our sexiest for the year. I mean, no offence to Adam Levine – he’s a safe and handsome choice – but hardly the sexiest man ever. You can’t even Google something innocent without stumbling over some All Beef Jumbo Hotdog type accidentally, yet People still pick their sexiest men as if they only have a couple magazine subscriptions and their office only goes on Twitter to read President Obama’s tweets. They chose a man who is no doubt good looking, but hardly interesting enough to think about any longer than the normal length of a Kim Kardashian sentence.
So, here at GuySpy, we had to pull together some of those other men that maybe wouldn’t have fit so nicely on People’s list with the likes of Levine and Luke Bryan (really? Luke Bryan?), but are undeniably hot. Who are those men? You know, the ones you may be thinking about when you’re diddling someone else for a second or two before you return back to reality; the men you might have a couple photos of on your iPhone under the camera file “Fashion Lookbook” – or hell, maybe the men you actually like for their minds instead of just their bodies… but also happen to have really great bodies, because, come on, we’re gay. And we’re men. And we’re gay…
1. Michael Fassbender – The A-List Hunk Gifted with a Tree Trunk
Who could resist the absolute hunk that is Michael Fassbender? He’s got that charming face girls and guys can’t help but fall a little in love with, he’s a talented actor pushing himself harder than maybe a lot of leading men in Hollywood (maybe not in The Counsellor, but good people were attached so he couldn’t have known the consequences!), and he’s not afraid of full-frontal, having gone naked for two of his films, Shame (good, tinged with bad naked) and Hunger (bad naked, but still naked, no?). Let’s just say if there was one thing you needed to know about in life, it would be this Tumblr filled with .gifs of Michael Fassbender’s penis. You’re welcome.
2. Tom Hardy – Bad Boy with a Chest to Impress
I don’t know what my fixation on Tom Hardy’s chest is, but it’s a nice chest, all right. That’s really all I can say. Now go and watch Warrior – or better yet, just go look at the poster for the movie a little while and tell me that doesn’t justify Hardy being on this list. Also, you know he’ll make the hottest Elton John.
3. Steve Grand – The Country Singer You Could Squeal For
You might have enjoyed the soft cool tones of Grand’s “All American Boy” music video. Or you could have just been noticing his open shirt as he rides down a breezy road in an open-top convertible. You decide whether the song or the singer is what you’re really taken with. Either way, you have to admit his down-to-earth, breezy, small town boy persona is very appealing. Oh, and he has a nice bouncy butt – durp!
4. Dylan McDermott – Scary Good Fun with a Nice Bum
Don’t lie – you know after American Horror Story: Coven premiered, you had to go binge-watch the past two seasons of the series to see all the fun you were missing. And when you did, you noticed how good Dylan McDermott looks wearing nothing but a baseball bat and some PJ bottoms when fighting against evil ghosts in a haunted house. I mean, I know my fashions, and I didn’t think he could pull it off, but I’m going to allow the baseball bat to be the accessory for this season, in a weird non-violent way. Oh, also, the man loves to show his bum, too. So many good bums on this list, it’s as if there’s a pattern, or something… I wonder if the next one will have a nice one, too!
5. Parker Hurley – Host with the Most Cute Underwear
I’m still not exactly sure what I can tell you about Parker Hurley, besides the fact his tumblr is kind of dull; yet on Tumblr, there are so many photos of him in funky underwear. I know, you gotta have a soft spot for a handsome quirky-faced guy with the body of a toy soldier. And speaking of toy soldiers, he still plays with action figures, which don’t lie, you find endearing because we’re leaving in a post-The OC world, and we can fall hard for a Seth Cohen type who isn’t afraid to show off his junk drawer, if you know what I mean.
6. Future – Rapper That Always Looks Dapper
It breaks my heart to say that not only is this gentlemen dating the gorgeous Ciara, but he is most certainly not gay, either! So that’s two reasons this writer won’t find himself fantasizing too much about him. But it doesn’t matter, because I think we can all say that this man gets the term ”rap ballad” and takes it to the next level. And sure, he doesn’t ever seem to take his sunglasses off, but all you need to know is that you can’t question the physical allure of a rapper so into over the head circle scarves.
7. Mariano Di Vaio – Stallion with a Mane to Match
Again, I don’t know that much about Mariano Di Vaio except that he seems to know the universal Kardashian truth, and that is if you are photographed looking attractive, people will start to pay attention. So while it may seem shallow that I’m overlooking the fact that this man, given his Instagram, wants to be taken seriously as a model, tell me you’re not paying a little bit more attention to those shirtless gym photos he’s posting… and then asking yourself: “Where does he work out where they let you take your shirt off – and when can I join!?”
8. Chris Pine – ‘Stud Trek’
I’ve only watched Chris Pine in the Star Trek movies, but it’s safe to say, given my very important, objective opinion, that he is in fact, hotness! The jury was out on this for a bit, but when they reconvened they came to the unanimous approval that Chris Pine’s face is nice. Oh, who am I kidding! There was no jury! Everyone knows the evidence of blue eyes, goofy eyebrows, and smirk always leads to a verdict of good looking – and they usually settle before it even gets to court.
9. Dale Cooper – Porn Actor with Personality
Now before any of you just start yelling “Hipster Josh Radnor if he did porn,” let’s note the fact that in the wonderful filmography of Mr. Dale Cooper, this man shows versatility (you know what I mean), star power (oh, you know what I mean), and, like a Kelly Rowland song, the ability to be down for whatever (oh you totally know what I’m talking about!). Also, he has his own website where you really feel the sweet side of this guy. (Video game characters as crush objects? Boom.) I’m sorry, are you still reading, or are your incognito tabs already open for something else? Relax, this is the link you want, and you can click it whenever, but we still have one more hunk to share…
10. Jake Gyllenhaal – The Hunk with the Losing Funk
Whether you’re enjoying the Olsen twin period Mr. Jake Gyllenhaal is going through right now for his new movie role or not, you have to still be able to admire the architecture of Gyllenhaal’s face. He is good looking, but this guy’s basically the Susan Lucci of People mag; he hasn’t won the coveted title as of yet even though he feels ready for it, and he may just be the most adorable Muppet-looking actor ever! But he had a good momentum going with Jarhead and then Brokeback Mountain. Maybe if we can get him in one more, ahem, challenging role, I think he could get that golden title. Here’s hoping…