10 Hysterical Things Conservatives Have Said About Anal Sex

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July 22, 2014
6:00 a.m.

Story Courtesy Of Graham Gremore

Conservatives love to talk about anal sex. And talk, and talk. To the point that it might be considered sexual harassment, at least in some environments. And let’s face it–they are about as well informed about intercourse as they are about global warming. Not to mention rape. Remember Todd “legitimate rape” Akin?

One brilliant right-wing researcher, Dr. Judith Reisman, once complained that men are unable to have intercourse facing each other–so they do it doggie style, you known, like dogs. And isn’t that pathetic? Geez, all it would be take is a little research into gay porn to see that we’re quite cable of pulling off the good ‘ol missionary position with aplomb.

But now that straights have begun embracing ass play – presumably there’s a whole lot more straight sodomy going down than the gay variety – what’s going to happen to all the folks who believe anal sex will lead to the downfall of western civilization? After all, there’s nothing gay people do between the sheets that non-gay people don’t also do.

Check out some of the most notable comments about man-on-man intercourse…

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In the most recent example, Bob Frey, currently running for Minnesota House of Representatives, knows how AIDS is really caused:

“When you have egg and sperm that meet in conception, there’s an enzyme in the front that burns through the egg. The enzyme burns through so the DNA can enter the egg. If the sperm is deposited anally, it’s the enzyme that causes the immune system to fail. That’s why the term is AIDS – acquired immunodeficiency syndrome.”

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South Dakota Republican Rep. Steve Hickey shared his feelings about “men with men” in a letter to the editor published in the Argus Leader, South Dakota’s biggest newspaper, earlier this year:

“Pardon a crude comparison but regarding men with men, we are talking about a one-way alley meant only for the garbage truck to go down.”

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New Hampshire Republican Rep. Nancy Elliott knows what gay sex is all about and she wasn’t afraid to share it with colleagues during a legislative session in 2010:

“We’re talking about taking the penis of one man and putting it in the rectum of another man and wiggling it around in excrement!”

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Televangelist Pat Robertson challenged gays to anally deliver babies in 2012:

“I defy these homosexuals to bring forth a baby from that part of the anatomy which they concentrate on, when that happens I will change everything I’m saying. Until that happens, I wish those demonstrators would shut their mouth.”

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Former gay porn star turned born again Christian Joseph Sciambra on the devastating effects taking it up the butt has had on his body:

“The anus was never designed — even if you don’t believe in a God — was never designed by nature to accommodate the penis. When you do get involved with that activity, it causes a lot of physical damage. I can attest to that first hand because when I got out of porn I started having trouble right away. About two years after I had to have some surgeries that were horrible. I had to have my sphincter almost stitched shut. It was horrible!”

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Linda Harvey educating people on the physical dangers of anal penetration:

“[A]ctual anatomical damage can occur through anal sex. This ought to serve as a big clue from God, in case we weren’t paying attention.”

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Dr. Paul Cameron once circulated a pamphlet about gay “rectal intercourse”:

“Tearing or ripping of the anal wall is especially likely with ‘fisting,’ where the hand and arm is inserted into the rectum. It is also common when ‘toys’ are employed (homosexual lingo for objects which are inserted into the rectum — bottles, carrots, even gerbils).”

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Ugandan pastor Martin Ssempa has us all figured out:

“I want to say homosexuals eat each other’s poop. Homosexuals stick their hands into their rectum. Homosexuals stick all sorts of deviant sexual things into their rectum… And they call poo poo ‘chocolate.’ ”

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Maggie Gallagher, crusader for women, rants about why anal sex isn’t a gay issue, it’s a feminist one:

“Anal sex is painful, unsanitary, unsatisfying for women, and creates unique risks for serious physical diseases (if you doubt me, go read the Wikipedia entry on the subject) because the anus is not designed for sexual intercourse, increasing the risk of torn flesh and the intermingling of bodily fluids — blood, semen, fecal matter — that can spread an astonishing variety of diseases. The female partner is far more at risk than the man in these encounters. This should be a feminist issue.”

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Pastor Patrick Wooden eloquently speaks on the long-term side effects of anal intercourse:

“Who wants to practice anything that is going to ultimately lead a grown man to, about the time he’s in his 40s or 50s, or what not, having to wear a diaper or a ‘butt plug’ just to be able to contain their bowels?”

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Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson says gay sex is “just not logical”:

“It seems like, to me, a vagina — as a man — would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”

Just not logical, indeed.

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