10. Doggy Daycare: While a dog is man’s best friend, he is not a gay man’s whole life. And as you trump up your Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest with pictures of your pint sized dogs please understand that the type of dog you have really speaks volumes about your personality. Many gay men feel that all they need is a good job, an apartment and their boutique dogs. Dead wrong. Instead of giving all your attention to your dog buying him or her cute sweaters and expensive travel bags to be pampered in, put that energy in the way you treat a man. Show him that he is just as important and if it doesn’t work out between the two of you its just fine. Your clinginess to your dog shows how vulnerable you are and how you want things the way you want them. That could be the reason you turn other men off.
9. These Friends Of Mine: Gay men really have it hard sometimes, and so the best thing to have is a close knit of friends to balance you out. I think having solid friends are always key but sometimes relying heavily on your friendships can leave you on the back burner. So let’s cut the bullshit and real talk. You’ll often find yourself talking about your friend’s relationships rather than find one yourself, and find yourself even liking your friend’s boyfriends because you’re that one friend that doesn’t have anyone yet. While being single can be fabulous, it can also be depressing, lonely and third wheel. So stop flirting it up when you’ve had your third margarita around your other friend’s guests and try and balance your life. Stay strong and less desperate. You’re single not the end of the world. And you don’t want to lose your friends in the process.
8. Sex & The WHOLE City: Sex is so easily available at a touch of an App that you might find yourself sleeping with the entire tri-state county if you’re not careful. While playing the field and having one-night encounters can be exciting, you’re only feeding your sexual side and not emotional one. You might even think you’re so sexy because you’ve hit the gym several times that you don’t need a man. That’s why you’re still single. Waiting for the right moment will lead you to get older and then you might have only 50% chance of spending a good life with a partner because you were narcissistic and selfish. Plenty of gay men will beg to differ because that’s just what they know how to do, but we all know the truth. Stop fucking around and start living in the real world where people have coffee and go to museums and have real romances. Don’t say I didn’t tell you so. And don’t send me hate mail later.
7. Drunky McDrunkDrunk: Spending your early 20’s waking up in a drunk stupor may be a moment to remember, but spending your early 30’s or 40’s waking up in a drunk stupor may be a moment to forget. First off, your body’s metabolism has slowed down so stop trying to compete with the young guy you just fucked, secondly, you feel like shit, so if you jazzed yourself up the night before to hit the club, you don’t look so hot right now. You’re not single because your a dick magnet, you’re single because you think you’re this older guy who’s so cool that he makes so much money and can do what he wants. Eventually you’ll see that the demise of that is right around the corner. While you sip your vintage wine, you’ll only see dumb twinks who will probably steal your cash later walking around in your apartment pretending to know about shit and think Paris is a country. You’re still single because you feel like your family is more important and your trips skiing. But when those things are gone, you’ll only have a big empty house and a different face to wake up to.
6. Social Butterfly: We all know that a majority of gays have “All About Me” Syndrome. Rarely do they like to be interrupted, seldom do they like to hear about you. Being a chatty Cathy might seem like a home run with your friends but when you’re getting to know a guy it just might seem like a bore. You’re date will soon regret meeting you and will make you pay for dinner on purpose just because you made him go through all of that. While you are definitely important and interesting, and I’m sure adorable, athletic, fun, outgoing, outspoken blah blah blah, you need to tone it down, take it back and fucking relax. While you being the life of the party can be a great thing and I’m certainly happy to run into you anytime to really have fun, you may be ruining your relationship seeker game. It’s a fact that outspoken people like yourself go home and really feel alone because they only hear the echo of what they said and only what they said that night and the day before. it’s super important to balance your energy and your fun oneness. While there’s no need at all to let go of your free spirit, try and balance it out with a humility and thoughtfulness that one day will land you a great partner. He’ll thank you for the balance.
5. To Bitch or Not To Bitch: I get it, life is hard. And people seem to get more annoying everyday so it is necessary to have our bitch face on 24 0 7. I understand that Comcast got on your nerves and T-mobile faired low on supplying you with great prices. I even understand that the lady at the Marshall’s was a bit rude and you had to “put her in her place.” I get that in life, we have to be strong-minded individuals never to be stepped on. Growing up gay can really have that affect on most of us. But your attitude can transcend what you’re fighting against. it can even work against you. That anger can go from normal I’m upset about this anger to I hate the world anger. That trickles down into your relationships and can make you a real bitch. And while some of us wear that title proud its not something to boast about. Anger can get ugly and can really hurt our chances at a great relationship. Gay men are very astute. They can read you up and down. They read your chi, your horoscope, your movements, your signals. Hell, the FBI could benefit from hiring The Gays. So when you’re there at a dinner and he’s across from you, he can really tell that your negativity is a ticking time bomb and he may want to opt out. Some guys don’t even care to understand where it comes from. All they saw was a pretty face and sexy waist. While your anger can rub people the wrong way and can hurt your chances at love, its something that is part of you and only you can fix. Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you have to own up to that bitchiness. You can really sell yourself as a good human being. Just lock that bitchy anger in a box until further notice. Don’t ever change yourself for a guy, but do change yourself for you. To better you.
4. Aggressive Much?: Like I said before, “TONE IT DOWN.” The gay world is quite competitive and while we can unite for gay pride we can dismantle like a bomb. We are forces to be reckoned with so I would never underestimate a gay. That’s why Drag queens are so fucking fierce! You betta Work Bitch! With that said, an aggressive approach to getting a guy can really come off as desperate and you may even surpass the real reason you wanted to meet this guy. At first you wanted a boyfriend, but now you want to know if he has a big dick, how much money he makes and if he can “handle you.” This behavior is a number one killer of getting a relationship in America. Some people may think this behavior is acceptable and have a fetish for it, but in the real world you’re actually quite annoying. Live your life as if the whole world were watching you on Big Brother. if you saw this behavior would you stand up for it or hide behind a pillow and squirm? Learn to be more human and more likable in your approach to meeting a new guy. These men are not just pieces of meat. Some of them DO want to get to know you. Some of them do actually like your personality. So stop diving into the bed so soon and killing the vibe.
3. House Hunters: If you ever watch House Hunters on HGTV you know that Straight people don’t play. They are highly offended by everything from outdated paint jobs to counter tops if it doesn’t meet their approval. And they want everything done on a cheap ass dime. They’ll complain about the rugs, the wood floors, the square footage, the lighting and even steps. And please don’t put them near neighbors. Sound familiar? While you’ve been praising yourself for being picky and you can thank your overbearing parents for that, you’ve become a perfectionist for all the wrong reasons. Your list of demands have becomes annoying and men are running for the hills with you. Your chances are better if you relocate and start fresh in Montana or Utah. Settle down tiger. You can be picky but don’t get crazy. I get that you like fresh cut flowers and want to live near a Deli and all that shit that doesn’t matter if we lived in war torn pre-Russia, but the truth is you’re turning off guys with your pretension. It’s almost as if your stuck up for no good reason. You barely make enough money to pay your NY rent and don’t even do groceries because you don’t have a car which is why you eat corner pizza and ramen noodles all the time, and yet you hold these men to a higher standard. it just seems unfair. I know we all get this air of delusion now and again and like I said, “All About Me” Syndrome, but that just might leave you on the corner of “Song For The Lonely.”
2. Those Pesky Stripper Pics: I’ve seen your Facebook walls and I know what you post on your Instagram. This may prove to be a problem. And like me, others see it too and aren’t too keen on it either. You’re posts with strippers and drinks in hand and having fun may seem like there’s nothing wrong, but you looking like a party animal way past 28 can really turn off guys. Maybe not turn off the guys who want to have that fun with you, but I guarantee no real love interest is going to admire that. If you live your life for the glamour and never really balance it with a real world mentality, then all you know is disco lights, go-go boys, bartenders and hook-ups. Many will disagree, but those many are the ones doing it and want to justify it. Let me clarify!!!! Having fun is not a sin and having a hook up or two is fine with me. But when you live your life going to Karaoke on Monday, Latin Night on Tuesday, Under Age night on Wednesday, 2 for 1 drinks Thursday, Dance Fire Fridays & Saturdays and Tea Dance Sundays you have a problem. Calm down and get a grip on reality. Here’s a test for you. If you are buying a new outfit Thursday and getting a haircut Friday afternoon you have a problem. If you are manscaping and calling all your friends and then meeting up with them at a diner after the club, you are in no way shape or form ready for a relationship. Go ahead and argue with me but the truth is Wide Awake and now its clear to see. I know you live for the Applause and you want Roar each and every night, but…and its a big but…YOU GOTTA WORK BITCH. Get your priorities in line if you want to find a man and keep him.
1. BIG NUMBER ONE: We gays are like a feather on a bird. So intricate, so special so unique. The beauty is unlike any other. This list is not to offend you or startle you but to show you that while you can live a glamorous life and be the fun fabulous you, you need to find a balance within yourself. This is not just with your relationships but your job, your home, your friends, your family. Sometimes saying “Me, Me, Me” can alter your reality and can really hit down low. It can pull the rug under you when you least expect it. There’s never any rush to be committed and there’s no rush to be settled down. I know the gay life can be dazzling, but it can also be exhausting and intimidating. Balance yourself and build your blocks. Find your inner peace and stay in the center. Don’t talk to much about you, don’t be so obvious and stop the open book bullshit. We are made to be mysterious creatures. Take this hilarious insight and run with it. Rather than fight the grain and disagree with it, make yourself a better you. And you’ll see that right around the corner you’ll find a man just as amazing as you.