Human cupcake Ariana Grande has demons, a predilection for serial killing, the power ofKabbalah on her side, a Moon Man trophy after last night’s VMAs, no time for Katy Perry, and the showily soulful voice of someone playing Mariah Carey in a Broadway musical biopic. What she does not have, though, is the general ability to articulate her words when she sings. Someone I was talking to at a party this weekend described her as having permanent peanut butter mouth. That person is correct.
Ariana Grande’s sophomore album, My Everything, is out today, and, well, it’s no Pizza Hut. It’s more airport Sbarro with the must rubbery cheese that has ever been placed on a pizza or pizza-like food. That cheese is lodged in her throat.
Below are incomprehensible snippets from each My Everything song (sans the intro). Play along and try to figure out what the hell this girl is saying. She talks reckless sometimes, there could be good content in there if only we could understand her.
Sounds like: “Everliving, and a fairytale brings malice on my life / Thank you, it’s hard to believe / But the love you have is sadness, only mine” (Also sounds like: Michael Jackson’s “Heal the World”)
Sounds like: “‘Cause it’s too much to bear / Without you / I lose sight of the cure / If I close my mouth / Just know I’m yours…”
“Just a Little Bit of Your Heart”
Sounds like: “I know I’m nacho, olé!”
Sounds like: “Havin’ a clown / Got no weight / I’m a shutter / I should be Liza / And realize that I cough.”
“Hands on Me”
Sounds like: “Travelin’ / Butterflies / Russian baby / Body bakin’ / Pinchin me’ / Eatin’ bacon / Piglets need life…”
Sounds like: “You draw me a sign / Now I’m screamin’ just to see who’s louder / Whoo! / Weee! Na na na… (repeat)”
Sounds like: “No, I’m not Lena / Would ya talk the talk just show me what your momma gave up?”
“You Don’t Know Me”
Sounds like: “Still you walked to Bali, my shoes”
“Be My Baby”
Sounds like: “Baby did you get your jeans at Champs to love me?”
“One Last Time”
Sounds like: A horse exhaling with 75 percent satisfaction and 25 percent trepidation.
“Break Your Heart”
Sounds like: “He shoots like Common…”
“Love Me Harder”
Sounds like: “And if in the moment I buy my limp / Baby in the moment you’ll know this / Something, bigger venison, and beyond bliss…”
Sounds like: “There’s no powdered gold in the rainbows we chase…”
Fun fact: That last one, “Now that I’ve become who I really are,” is the actual lyric.