A Gay Guyd to Ten Last Minute Halloween Costumes

Mike Anderson
Authored by
Mike Anderson

October 28, 2011
6:26 p.m.

With Halloween upon us, many people are still anxiously scrambling to find an appropriate last minute costume. Each year, people rack their brains in an attempt to recreate the latest pop culture icon. Last year, people masqueraded as a jailed Lindsay Lohan, the trapped Chilean coal miners, and even the Facebook page, to name just a few. 

   

This year, we will undoubtedly see countless versions of former Italian jail bird Amanda Knox, accused baby killer Casey Anthony, and Michael Jackson’s now infamous evil doctor, Conrad Murray. But if you don’t have the time, or the money, to diligently manufacture that last minute pop culture ensemble, putting it together may prove to be as easy as scouring your own bedroom closet, or the local thrift store. Here’s a list of a few of my favorite iconic gay pop culture costumes that should take less than a couple of hours to throw together.

1.Clark Kent – Superman

Why It’s Gay: Man in tights under business attire.  

What You Probably Already Own: White button-down dress shirt; colorful necktie;  business

trousers; dress shoes; two safety pins; a fabulous head of hair, parted down the side of head. 

What You May Need: Superman T-shirt; pair of clunky, thick-rimmed glasses. 

Martha Stewart Tip: Be a good gay and inconspicuously safety pin the Superman T-shirt to the bursting open dress shirt, in a similar style as shown in the photo above. That way, the letter “S” is constantly displayed, and your hands are free for more important tasks, like drinking; wrangling phone numbers; saving the world from evil; and making out with Louis, Layne, or whatever his name is.      

Princess Points: Every time someone at the party pulls out a phone, you disappointedly sigh, “Ugh, another mobile phone. Where’s a damn phone booth when you need one?”

Chances of getting Laid: High, if you have the body of steel and nobody is under the impression that the “S” on your chest refers to the size of what’s going on just south of your kryptonite belt.

 2.Rocky Balboa – Rocky

Why It’s Gay:  You get to prance around a party in nothing but a pair of slinky, shiny boxing shorts. Even better, you get to flaunt that amazingly buffed, chiseled body and those shredded 6-pak abs that you’ve painstakingly sculpted over the past year by dedicating countless hours of pumping iron at the gym, and by adhering to that three-month, strict gay boy diet of nibbling on nothing but lettuce leaves and Tic Tacs.   

What You Probably Already Own: Gym shorts, tube socks, high-top sneakers, bottle of lube to slick back or muss up hair.  

What You May Need: Fake blood for face; pair of kiddy boxing gloves, from the sporting goods aisle, draped around neck; blue and red makeup to feign brutal facial bruising. Optional silk robe, towel, spit bucket (which could prove to be very useful later in the night).   

Princess Points: If you run to the top of every set of stairs at the party, turn to the crowd, throw your arms in the air and yell, “Yo, Adrian!” 

Chances Of Getting Laid: High, if you have a rockin’ body.  Low, if your, “Yo, Adrian,” begins to start channeling any of the guido cast members from MTV’s “Jersey Shore.”  Non-Existent, if you begin to resemble Chaz Bono’s “Rocky” impersonation on “Dancing With The Stars,” or his already-masked mother, Cher (but that’s an entirely different gay iconic costume). 

3.Dirk Diggler (Mark Wahlberg) – Boogie Nights

Why It’s Gay: Three words. Twelve. Inch. Dick.

What You Probably Already Own: Six of the twelve inches. 

What You May Need: Pair of polyester pants; matching polyester vest; white button-down, long sleeve dress shirt; hair parted down middle of head, circa 1970; tacky gold jewelry.  

What You Will Need: An additional 3 to 6 inches or a 12-inch dildo. 

Princess Points: If you can fasten the dildo in a manner such that it protrudes through the zipper of your pants. 

Size Queen Points:If you actually don’t need the dildo to complete the ensemble, and you display your manhood in the same manner required to collect “Princess Points.”    

Chances of Getting Laid: If you satisfy the requirements for “Size Queen Points,” that’s twelve mouthwatering inches of “Halloweenie,” so you do the math. If mathematically challenged, however, use the following equation: 12 inches + 0 inches = 100%.    

4.Ennis Del Mar and/or Jack Twist – Brokeback Mountain

Why It’s Gay:Reeeeally?  

What You Probably Already Own: Cowboy boots, blue jeans, jean jacket, two days of scruff (or mascara brush). 

What You May Need: Cowboy hat; flannel shirt (borrowed from favorite lesbian friend); plush-headed, toy stick pony.  

Princess Points: If you fake a Southern drawl the entire night.

Double Princess Points: Every time you giddy-up to leave a conversation, you walk backward a few steps, pause for a moment, then whine, “I wish I knew how to quit you.” 

Chances of Getting Laid: If you can get someone to call you “Jack Nasty” before the night ends, you’re set pardner.  

                             

5. Joel Goodsen (Tom Cruise) – Risky Busines

Why It’s Gay:First, dancing around in your underwear, gay!  Second, Tom Cruise, gay! 

What You Probably Already Own: Tighty whities; oversized, striped button-down, long sleeve dress shirt; white tube socks (to wear on feet, not to stuff inside underwear).  

What You May Need: Black Ray-Ban Wayfarer or similar kicky black sunglasses. Optional cigarette.  

Princess Points: If you pick up every item in sight, use it as an air guitar, and belt out a verse of Bob Seger’s, “Old Time Rock And Roll.” 

Double Princess Points: When entering a room, you actually slide into it, pause, and then flip up your shirt collar, of course. 

Chances of Getting Laid:Non-Existent, unless you have a kick ass pair of legs . . .  or you’re sporting some serious bulge action in those tighty whities.  

6. Justin Timberlake/Adam Sandler – Dick in A Box

Why It’s Gay: It’s a dick . . . in a box

What You Probably Already Own: Ugly, cheap suit (polyester preferred); gaudy sunglasses; colored T-shirt; dress shoes; belt; box; bow; ribbon; Scotch tape; colorful wrapping paper. Most importantly, a dick.  

What You May Need: Guido wig and facial hair, tacky gold jewelry.  

Princess Points: If you actually place YOUR dick IN the box.

Chances Of Getting Laid: High, if you have a very large or huge box. Extremely low, if you have a tiny box . . . unless it’s a powder blue box from Tiffany, that is.   

7.Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks) – Forrest Gump

Why It’s Gay:Everyone loves a sexy nerd! 

What You Probably Already Own: Light colored suit; plaid button-down, long sleeve dress shirt; dirty sneakers or bowling shoes; horizontal wide-striped, multicolored dress socks. 

What You May Need: Old or vintage suitcase, box of assorted chocolates, goofy haircut.  

Princess Points: If you slowly mutter the phrase, “Stupid is as stupid does,” to every story you hear.   

Chances of Getting Laid: Low, if you keep repeating “Gump-isms” the entire night. Medium, if you remove the chocolates from the box and replace them with celery and carrot sticks for the inevitable gym bunny crowd.

*Helpful hint: If approached at a party by an “unattractive,” you know what to do… “Run, Forrest, Run!”   

 

8.Tony Montana (Al Pacino) – Scarface

 Why It’s Gay:See “Princess Points” below.

What You Probably Already Own:Tacky black or white suit or tuxedo, white dress shirt, cigar.  Optional bow tie, cheesy gold jewelry.  

What You May Need: Scar makeup for upper left cheek, toy machine gun. Optional fake blood for face.  

Princess Points: Dropping trou whenever you utter the words, “Say hello to my li’l friend.”  

Chances of Getting Laid: Slim to none, unless your li’l friend isn’t so li’l.  

9.Minny Jackson (Octavia Spencer) – The Help 

Why It’s Gay:The female dominated film is destined to become this generation’s “Steel Magnolias.” 

What You ProbablyAlready Own: Feather duster, sassy attitude.  

What You May Need: Maid costume, black wig, chocolate pie.  

Princess Points: When anyone says anything to you, or asks what you’re dressed as, you always respond by cocking your head, pursing your lips, extending the pie toward his or her face, and with fierce attitude tell them, “Eat my shit.”

Chances of Getting Laid: An absolute 100% done deal if you’re delivering the line to a kinky fetish boy. Otherwise, nonexistent.   

10. Lady Gaga

What You Need: Anything you’ve worn while masquerading as a cheap, copycat imitation of Madonna.  

Chances of Getting Laid: None, which are about as good as hers.

     

                                  

So there it is; my list of ten fun, easy, sassy, and sometimes unclassy Halloween costumes for the pop culture enthusiast. Personally, I’d love to see someone whip up “The Help” costume. Easy. As. Pie. 

  

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