Maroon 5: The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

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September 30, 2014
6:00 a.m.

Story Courtesy Of Jia Tolentino

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offenses are considered especially heinous.

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

But nothing’s as bad as a new video from Maroon 5.

Rain, and the click of a bloodless aperture: opening and closing, closing and opening. A high-pitched wail floods your senses, the screech of a gleeful ghoul. “Baby I’m preying on you tonight,” he howls. “Hunt you down, eat you alive.”

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

The well-known lingerie model Behati Prinsloo walks into a butcher shop and thinks for a minute. “I’ll take… two meats,” she says finally.

But the butcher has other plans.

He goes home (to the back of his butcher shop) and prints lots of pictures off the internet. “I’M A DETECTIVE,“he murmurs to himself in the darkness.

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

“And now,” he whispers, “I must get swole amongst my meat.”

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

The joyous howl is unceasing. “Maybe you think that you can hide,” it screams. “I can smell your scent from miles. Just like animals, animals, animals.”

Oh, it’s an old story: butcher meets girl, butcher forgets the difference between different types of eating, butcher gets lonely and wants to hang out with his meat, butcher sits by meat’s bedside taking pictures of meat as it sleeps.

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

But not before Meat Girl gets the chance to hit up the clurb!

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

“We gotta get CLUB on the side of that building,” yawned the art director. “Otherwise… people will be, uh…”

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

Confused.

The butcher enters the club, where another band is playing his song (classic “Maroon 5” decoy technique deployed by murderers).

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

He invokes a no-fail move of seduction.

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

The hunger of undead centuries weighs upon the butcher, and at long last: he feasts.

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

He’s so happy.

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

Oh no, what’s that in the corner.

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

OH GOD.

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

It’s just a meat-a-fucking-palooza in here.

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

The subtle theoretical complexity of this metaphor begins to weigh upon the viewer. The ancient numerology begins to kick in. A-D-A-M is only a few letters away from A-S-H-L-E-E, who wrote in her rock manifesto “Autobiography” that she had “stains on her T-shirt.” Stains = blood. Blood = MEAT.

Maybe I’m just a piece of meat. Maybe we’re all just… pieces of meat.

Well, at long last, the butcher is sated.

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

And don’t forget: he’s not a goddamn douchebag.

The New Maroon 5 Video Is a Vile, Bloody Nightmare

Fin.

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