Sex Addiction: Too Much Of A Good Thing?

David Parker
Authored by
David Parker

July 23, 2013
8:11 a.m.

An addict will always get their fix, whatever obstacles are placed before them, and if your fix is sex then the internet is a dealers den.

It’s not just the royal baby hoo-ha that is filling UK newspapers right now but Conservative Prime Minister Cameron’s demand to block online porn, in ‘order to protect children.’

We’ve heard this message before when homos were banged up in prison, before they were de-criminalised in 1967, in order to ‘protect children’ and that never worked as we weren’t peodophiles, but paid the price for ignorance.

Nor will this, but that’s a different story, this blog is about sex addiction costing you more than money, and blocking porn isn’t the answer.

Since 60s liberation, gay men have notoriously been labeled ‘promiscuous,’ in much the same way that society called women that enjoyed sex ‘whores.’

Neither viewpoints hold water, nor does a current study by the University of California, published last week, on the respected Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology site, pronouncing that “Sexual desire, not hypersexuality, is related to neurophysiological responses elicited by sexual images ( not sex addiction ).”

This small study of 53 people (including 13 females) with no indication of sexuality preferences, has been panned from all quarters as meaningless, even though it hit headlines: in short, it concludes that sex addiction is a fallacy and people are just plain horny. Partners of sex addicts would certainly disagree, with this conclusion.

However, the rise of the internet, has increased opportunity for sexual exploration and therefore sexual compulsive behaviour can become unchecked.

My view is that the internet has offered space for sexual and emotional discovery. This has encouraged the notion that sexuality is not so black or white, that there are developing grey areas of ‘men who have sex with men’ and those that are bi-curious. This has enlightened those who in the past were simply suppressed or confused.

However, sex addiction IS real. You know at least one sexual compulsive who needs more, more more, and it may be you. So where do you begin to arrest this condition? Let’s start here:

1555838219In his book, “CRUISE CONTROL, Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men”, Robert Weiss writes on the topic of seeking a cure:

“Many people who read books like this one enter 12 Step programs, seek therapy, and check into treatment centers are seeking ” the answer.” They want to solve all their problems and answer all their questions – as if their addiction were an equation in a maths quiz. Some will drop out or give up when they find out that they aren’t going to be cured once they figure it out.

The problem is that they don’t actually want or know how to solve the problem; somehow they think that having that “Ah-ha” moment of understanding will be enough.

No amount of information is going to stop a sex addict from repeating patterns of problem behavior. You can only meaningfully change your behavior by taking deliberate, ongoing, active, and committed steps toward change.

As we move forward, we’ll learn how to make this happen one day at a time. But first, let’s consider how party drugs and other addictive substances become intertwined with sex addiction.”

Change occurs through action not just understanding, and recovery stems from acting out the unfamiliar.

Maybe you are in an open relationship where goal posts keep changing or one wants more than discussed when it comes to boundaries.

Yet the perception of sex addicts fisting themselves in a selfie or sauna sex salivation, is also a fallacy, as many kinds of sex addicts abound, as is evident on the range of fetishes on porn sites. Often sexual compulsives are serial relationship finders believing that regular relationship sex will keep them away from pursuing addictive habits.

mirror-manMost sex addicts hunt anonymously alone, just seeking sex while many are romance addicts addicted to the chase, sexting, flirting, grooming, arranging and avoiding feelings of ‘being alone,’ seeking approval.

Real approval comes from looking in your own mirror, not outside of it. In recovery, healthily ‘being alone’ is essential in determining feelings of withdrawal, patterning and self-valuation. Many support groups exist – check the net, and although we love you dating on GuySpy we also suggest you act responsibly toward others and yourself if you think you need help around this emotive issue.

Purchasing the book above will at least acknowledge that your sexual activity could be addressed. Perhaps some chems need to be deleted along the way. We know that some things go together like apple pie and custard, but sex addiction also has it’s own companions: and you know what they are.

More online help is on my site, or Skype coach: http://mygaytherapist.me

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