The Week in My View: World Gone Wild

David Toussaint
Authored by
David Toussaint
New York Guyd/Features Writer
March 11, 2012
11:02 a.m.

Girl Gone Mild?

Forgive me, Madonna, but “Girl Gone Wild” was a big mistake. It’s not a terrible song, it’s just a terrible single. The lack of airplay and iTunes interest isn’t at all surprising. (Ironically, Carrie Underwood’s “Good Girl” hit the top ten on iTunes in its first week of release–“GGW” isn’t even in the top 100.) Your Madgesty should know better than anyone that repetition kills, and the “GGW” opener is recycled “Like a Prayer” material, with a little “Erotica” thrown in for…a reminder of another flop?

Smoking not!

 

There’s nothing particularly “bad” about the song—unless you count the Cyndi Lauper rip-off line—and it seems forced, like posing naked for a book or doing your own rap. And rule number one of singles: If your first as-sung-by-a-sixth-grader song flops, you don’t release a second tune that sounds as if it’s sung by a sixth grader who snuck into Mommy’s liquor cabinet (that Tangueray’s gonna make her go astray). Kids are calling it “Grandma Gone Wild,” and Madonna’s older fans joke that Lourdes wrote it—ridiculous, as 15-year-old girls are far more articulate. Here’s hoping the rest of the album is better (Billboard went Wild!). If not, enjoy your American Lives. 

Welcome to Hurl-Esque

Christina, we love that The Voice has become a huge ratings hit, and can almost make us forget your “Trust Me, I’m Still a Slut!” “Bionic” CD. But could you get a coach for your fashion choices? I don’t know if it’s from hanging out with Cher in Showgirls Gone Mild, but you need a stylist who didn’t earn her stripes at Dollywood. If not, perhaps you could just turn that chair around so we don’t have to see your outfits.

<What a Girl Flaunts

 

Growing Pain in the Ass

Ah, Kirk Cameron, your positions on homosexuality are almost as confusing as your positions in public parks. The only thing that’s consistent is your “Yes, Yes, Oh My God, Yes” rapturous ecstasy. You love us gays, but we are “unnatural.” And now you claim that we are the hateful ones, and you are just an innocent victim. You are right, Friend of Boner. And next time I say that Jews and Blacks are “unnatural,” I will expect you to support me should someone call me a bigot. But don’t worry, Camoron, Michele Bachmann’s got your back. I’m sure her husband would love it too.  

God’s Hate We Deliver

Speaking of hateful hearts, a big thank you to Kirk and Michele and Sarah and Rick and, well, let’s face it, all of the Poppers (Party of Palin-ites). Hate Groups are way up this year, despite your wonderful words of god’s acceptance and love of all hideous creatures great and revolting. Imagine that…  

“The rhetoric is far worse against people who stand for traditional marriage. If anyone gets attacked in this country, it’s people who stand for traditional marriage. I mean you just brought up Kirk Cameron, right now, and his comments. He’s the one who is getting trashed right now; he’s the one who is getting called a bigot.”–Michele Bachmann, Martyr.

So, true, Michele. Faggots, take note: Anytime you’re bullied, name-called, harassed, beaten up, discriminated against, told that you’re going to burn in Hell, spit on, or tortured and left to die on a Wyoming fence, it’s the CHRISTIANS who are the victims. 

And what’s with the Nanny Tranny story? I smell Life Change Movie of the Week. 

If you didn’t think that pun was funny, please don’t un-friend me on facebook. No, seriously. 

Girl Gone Whacko, Or Is That Waco?

Oh, here’s Bachmann again, telling Club Jonestown that Obama is going to limit the number of children you can have. I Kid You, Not. 

Speaking of people living in the past, am I the only one concerned that The Fonze is now pitching retirement ads?

<<<Happy End of Days…

You Must Remember This…

Finally, you’ve all seen the infamous coming home kiss by now; that lovely expression of love and happiness and hope and joy, even more so because it involves a serviceman who’s risking being blown up to bits for your country. Well, that didn’t do it for this fine Christian citizen, who had this to say about the photo gone viral. 

Let’s leave on a more patriotic note: Those two guys have finally spoken about the iconic image. Happiness to you both, and thank you for sharing. You’re this week’s Guyding Light. yes

                

 

–David Toussaint

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